Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
