Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
