Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
