ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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