you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
