Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
