Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
