I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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