my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
