I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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