I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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