I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
