i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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