I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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