just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
