got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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