Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
