I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
