just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
