he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
