there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
