i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
