I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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