Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
