Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
