Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
