Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
