that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
