so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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