Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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