The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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