Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
