I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
