U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
