my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My pussy is not your playground.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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