I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize