I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
