if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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