i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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