Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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