I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
