The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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