She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
