porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
