even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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