I can feel you judging me through the phone.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
