um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
