My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
pop tarts are not kleenex
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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