This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
