Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
