he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
