my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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