too bad you live with your parents still
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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