saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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