Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
