I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize