If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I look better un-naked...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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