You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
