why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
