at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize